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dear mom,
thank you for not being in my life. thank you for showing me the woman i dont want to become. because of you i was introduced to the world of drugs, alcohol, and abuse at the precious age of five. thank you for opening my eyes and exposing me to such a place. thank you for showing me that people who tell me they love me dont really mean it, because they just leave a week later. thank you for spending quality time with me throwing back 40's and rolling blunts at the kitchen table.
(me at 5 years old)
"hey mom, what are you doing with that stuff?"
"im busy!"
"is that apple juice? can i have some"
"no! get out of the kitchen, go play or something"
"mom im hungry...do we have any food this weekend?"
"what am i made of money? i said get the fuck out"
"mom why do you smell like that?"
"GET OUT!"
"mom...i want to go home...i dont like it here...that guy over there is talking funny and he keeps grabbing me"
"go outside then"
"mom why are you driving so fast? can i please have some of that apple juice you have in your hand?"
"fuck lindsey! shut up!"
"ok mommy"
"daddy why hasnt my mom called in a long time?
"i dont know honey...im sorry"
"where is she?"
"i dont know linds...sometimes people forget"
"she forgot about me?"
"i dont know honey...i dont know what shes thinking"
"is she hurt? is that why she hasnt called in so long?"
"i hope not linds, im sure shes ok"
"i hope she calls soon"
(me at 10 years old)
"mom where have you been?"
"ive just been busy linds"
"busy for three months? you were so busy you couldnt pick up a phone and tell me you were ok for three months? you care about me that little?"
"of course i care about you"
"then why didnt you call?"
"i dont know"
"well when can i see you?"
"how bout this weekend? how bout sunday?"
"ok mom, sunday it is"
(wednesday)
"lindsey...im so sorry i forgot"
"whatever mom, i figured you would"
"i promise i'll make it up to you"
"sure"
(me at 12 years old)
"mom, its either drugs or me"
"its not that easy lindsey, i cant just quit"
"if you love me and you want me in your life, you will give it everything you have, if im important to you then you will"
(three months later)
"i quit lindsey just for you"
"mom, dont make me empty promises"
"i swear on your life i did"
"thank you mom, this shows me alot"
(a week later)
"mom, what is this in your purse?"
"what were you doing in my purse?!"
"looking for some gum...thats pot in that tin isnt it?"
"its not mine"
"you promised me! you swore on my LIFE!"
"lindsey im sorry...its not mine"
"im done mom, im done being lied to, decieved, and hurt by you"
"i can quit i swear"
"fuck you!"
what hurts most is that i feel ive been cheated out of so much and i didnt even do anything to deserve it. i never got any of that mother daughter stuff thats crucial to life. what i got was a hard lesson on how some people throw their lives away and have nothing to fall back on, and occasionally a drunk phone call. and my biggest fear is that im going to turn into her. the only positive thing i got is a GREAT example of what not to be like. atleast shes good for something.
May. 8th, 2005 @ 08:01 pm
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